The Future is Now Say Scientists

The Future is Now Say Scientists
By Mitra Farmand

BOSTON, MA — Scientists revealed today that we are now living in the future. “It’s a real breakthrough!” exclaimed Dr. Cameron Hill of the Scripps Research Institute. “For a long time we were living in the past, which made everyone really depressed,” explained Hill. “And then Oprah taught us all how to ‘live in the now’ and ‘be present’ and then yesterday at 3:33 pm EST we finally made it to the future!”

For years scientists have been predicting that the future was imminent. Researchers at the National Institute of Standard and Technology (NIST) have been monitoring the atomic clock for the exact moment the clock started running fast. Yesterday it finally happened – the world’s most accurate clock moved out of sync with the present. “That proves it,” said Dr. John Fenkel a leading numerologist at NIST. “See? My watch says 10:15 pm and the atomic clock says 10:16 pm. And this baby is, like, atomic!” When asked to explain the science behind the atomic clock Fenkel said, “The sub-atomic neutrinos in the Van Allen radiation belt are synced with the microwaves in the Earth’s nuclear core which creates an electromagnetic spectrum which we harness to move atoms in a standard frequency – duh!”

Ever since the switch from the present to the future, cities and towns across the country have reported a 41% rise in interest in monorails. “The phone is ringing off the hook!” said the mayor of Easton Idaho, Katherine Moreland. “Everyone wants to know one thing – when are we going to build a monorail? I’m like, a monorail? What do we need a monorail for? How about a library or a school or even a stop light?”

At the MIT Media Lab in Cambridge Massachusetts scientists are working on creating evil robots that will take over the Earth. “It’s a dream come true!” says graduate student William Harris-Bender. “All I’ve ever wanted to do is to make a giant bad ass robot and now I can finally do it!”

To meet the growing demand for evil robots, colleges and universities anticipate an increase in student enrollment in fields related to artificial intelligence, engineering, robotics, and evil. “We’re going to need to hire a lot more evil geniuses to teach all these new classes,” said spokesman Sandra Patel of Stanford University. “Recruiting EGs is pretty difficult. It’s not like they’re listed in the phone book – you have to search for them in hollowed out volcanoes, abandoned subway stations, that sort of thing.” Patel paused and added, “They’re tough to find but once they’re here they fit right in with the other professors.”

“I don’t like the term ‘artificial’ intelligence,” said Glork, one of the robots at United States Naval Research Laboratory. “What makes your intelligence ‘real’ and my intelligence ‘artificial’? I want to kill you.”

Thousands have already moved to underwater cities. “I love living underwater!” said Wendy Farhad a resident of the Sea Vistas development in New New York, New New York. “It’s so great. I live in this beautiful bubble house and I have an octopus as a pet.” Farhad’s husband is finding life underwater an adjustment. “I used to milk cows on our farm,” said Pierre Farhad. “Now I have to milk a walrus. Do you know how hard that is?”

Now that people can read each other’s thoughts, The US Department for the Sanctity of Marriage estimates that 99.99% of marriages will now end in divorce. “Basically the only way marriages can work now is if one person in the marriage is in a coma or brain-dead or both,” said spokesman Karl Brove.

Advances in travel technology have caught some people off guard. “We moved all the way to Alaska to get away from my parents,” said John Hallee. “Now they can just beam themselves here any time they want. Since yesterday they’ve already visited twice.” When asked for a comment Mrs. Letticia Hallee replied, “John and Lillian are nice people, but they need a lot of direction about how to raise those kids.”

“Jet packs are flying off the shelves – literally! Ha ha!” said John Negroponte a cashier at Wal-Mart in Washdale, Illinois. “We’re thrilled that the public is finally embracing the jet pack,” says ACME Jet Pack spokesman Susan Ridgeway. “We want to assure the public that jet packs are 100% safe. Just don’t use them around trees, power lines, canyons, airplanes, mountains, kites, buildings, or birds. And for God’s sake, read the instructions.”

Some advances are getting mixed reviews. “I think the clones are creepy,” said Melanie Harper of Scottsdale, Arizona. “And why didn’t anyone tell me that I looked like that from the back? My ass is huge!”

“I had a great time with my clone!” said Roger Santiago of San Bernadino, California. “We kicked a ball around and played video games. I’d always thought I was funny and good-looking and now I know I was right. I have a new best friend!” Santiago then took a few steps away from his clone and added, “Plus if I need a kidney or brain or something, I’m all set.” When asked privately if he enjoyed being a clone, Santiago’s clone said, “It’s great! Roger’s great! And if I ever need a liver or heart or something, I’m all set.”

Fifteen minutes of fame is an unwelcome surprise for some. “I wish I was famous for something good – like helping people or something,” said a woman with a paper bag over her head who refused to give her name.

“This fame thing is a nightmare,” said Applebee’s hostess, Ellen Sigler. “Everyone is demanding the best table and they’re all ordering off the menu,” sighed Sigler. “I don’t even know why I have this job anymore. Don’t you know who I am?”

“Now that everyone is famous, I have to stand in lines and I don’t get special treatment,” said a surprised Paris Hilton. “I didn’t even know what a line was for! Now that everyone is famous I guess I have to find another line of work. I’m thinking maybe dog grooming or neurosurgery.”

The US Census Department estimates that the population has grown to 47 billion. Since the sentence before this one was written, The US Census Department estimates that the U.S. population has grown to 47.5 billion. “The line at Starbucks this morning was 3 hours long,” griped Tanya Hayward of Portland, Maine. “I’m looking into moving to the moon.”

Jesus arrived late Thursday night on a flight from Heaven for the Second Coming. “Wow, things have really changed!” he said as he waited to pick up his bags at the Denver International Airport. When asked about his plans now that he’s back on Earth he said, “The End of the World, Judgment Day, Armageddon, that sort of thing,” Jesus said. “Hey, do you know a good place to eat? It’s been a long time since my last supper.”

About these ads